Breaking News: New Yorkers Don't Eat at Applebee's

In a shocking discovery, the Times revealed today that no one is dining at an Applebee's in Manhattan: in fact, the restaurant is full of empty tables. The exact reason is unclear, but it may be because there are so many other similarly mediocre restaurants in the Times Square area offering up stiff competition, including Chevy's, Dallas BBQ, ESPN Zone, and Dave & Busters.

Top analysts concur that as the demand for bad food lessens, many restaurants serving bad food are vulnerable to closure. Applebee's franchise owner Zane Tankel once considered his only competition to be the inimitable Olive Garden, but:

“We’ll see some weeding out,” he said one recent lunch hour, sitting in a near-empty Applebee’s dining room overlooking 42nd Street. Noting a restaurant above him and another across the street, he said, “One of the three of us is not going to be here.”

Will Manhattan's dining scene survive without Applebee's? Where will local heroes like Plaxico Burress eat before putting a loaded weapon into the elastic waistband of their pants? If such pinnacles of New York fine cuisine fall prey to the recession, the future looks grim indeed.

NYT: Empty Tables Threaten Some Restaurant Chains

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The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book Is Here!

Let's see, what happened this week? The Dow lost about 1,500 points, The New York Sun and Cosmo Girl both folded, Iceland teetered on the verge of bankruptcy . . . and Neiman Marcus launched its Christmas Book catalog!


Now if you know Neiman Marcus' annual holiday catalog, you know this is the first place to go when you're wondering how to blow all that extra cash you have lying around. Past catalogs have included such necessities as a personal submarine and a his-and-hers chocolate portrait. And the "wow gifts" in this year's catalog do not disappoint, no matter what may be going on in the so-called news.


Bad day at work? No worries. Just blow out of the office on this $110K Limited Edition Fighter Motorcycle. What better way to say "I already made millions before the sh*t hit the fan"?

This football season, why enjoy the game on a regular old TV when you could get this Dallas Cowboys Texas Stadium End Zone package? For a mere $500K, you can go to the game in a luxury suite and get your photo taken with Jerry Jones and cheerleaders. The $500K goes to the Salvation Army, but obviously getting a Dallas Cowboys logo spray-painted on your lawn is a lot better than just giving the money to charity. (Installation costs not included.)


Remember those old records Dad had sitting in the basement? Turns out you should have kept them, because now this Thirty-Five Year Collection of Top 100 45 RPM Records is now worth $275K--probably not what Dad paid for them when he was walking to school in the snow uphill both ways.


You know that awful feeling you get in a museum when you just want to buy stuff but it's not for sale? Well now you can, because these Medieval and Renaissance Era Rings ($25K-35K) can finally be sitting pretty on your finger, not in some stupid glass case at the Met.


This. Costs. One-hundred thousand. Dollars.


Because it's not really art unless it's a portrait of you, acclaimed artist Nathan Sawaya will make these HIS & HERS: Life-Size Replica in LEGO Bricks just for you for $60K. Sure to terrify small children for years to come.


When even the most exclusive golf club is not exclusive enough, turn to Jack Nicklaus to design this Custom Backyard Course Package ($1M). Finally, you can play golf alone. (Construction costs not included.)

One of the best things about basketball is it costs little or no money to play--it requires just cement, a hoop, the ball, and you. Now if only your kid were a decent player. Get some skin in the game for real with an on-court experience with the Harlem Globetrotters ($110K), who won't bitch and moan if you ask for a "do-over."


You always told your kids that marriage was about a lot more than love, it's about money. Show Daddy's little girl how much she's really worth with this $1.3M Luxury Destination Wedding Package at The Resort at Pelican Hill. Guaranteed to make the groom feel inadequate and ruin the young couple's sex life forever.

Ever wake up with that groggy feeling of "how much did I spend at the bar last night"? Well now you'll really wonder what happened when you get this $250K tab for this Authentic Guinness® Home Pub. Drunk friends who run up your bill sold separately.

Don't worry about the kids' college funds--they'll be fine by 2010, right? And besides, you could really use that $160K for a new car.

You know nothing about horses. Or racing. But it would be cool to be that guy on TV whose horse just won that race, what's-it-called. Because when you buy this 10-million-dollar Three Chimneys Farm Thoroughbred Racing Stable Package, "as the owner, you get to name your stable and any unnamed horses, design your own silks, attend races, pose for pictures, give quotes to the media." Because isn't that what it's all about?

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The Third-World Photo Shoot Returns

After all the hoopla about the all-black Italian Vogue, which underscored the lack of black models in magazines and fashion shows, American Vogue retaliated this month with a single article featuring all black models--not exactly mind-blowing. Issues of race have infiltrated fashion in other ways as well. The late '80s/early '90s practice of photographing fashion models in third-world countries against a backdrop of native people has returned without much noise from the critics.

J. Crew keeps actual Moroccans mostly out of the picture in their newest "Morocco" catalog, like the blurred sheepherder in this shot (click on the images for larger versions):

The one time they do incorporate native Moroccans, we get an unintentionally hilarious shot--notice where the "local guerrab (water man)" is looking!


You would think Vogue would stay away from controversial images involving race considering the criticism they recently endured for their LeBron James and Jennifer Hudson covers. This may be why they cast black Ethiopian model Liya Kebede in their photo shoot in Mali (an unfortunate reason to cast a black model). But does it erase the elitist overtones when you use a model of color?

The piece is breathlessly narrated by Sally Singer, who writes of Djenne that "everyone in this bustling market town looks as if they've stepped off the Dries Van Noten catwalk." Riiight. The contrast in expressions and attitudes between the women in the marketplace and the model, despite the similar prints on their clothes, is what fascinates about this photo:


There is another strange photo whose caption reads "Malian children mix traditional textiles with items recycled from the West--'a testament to a visual culture that's profound and inclusive.'" It seems doubtful that the boy in this photo ordered his stained Beaver Creek Colorado sweatshirt from Net-a-Porter trying to mix and match. Aren't these Western clothes castaways donated by American charities?


It's hard not to see the colonialist overtones in this next photo: the traditional outfit, the sherpa walking several paces behind the model, carrying a tiny leather handbag. Notice how many cars are waiting in this ferry line to Timbuktu. The narrator has just informed us that while native Malians wait for hours and hours to be ferried across, the photo shoot crowd simply left their cars with drivers and "hired a boatman to row us across in a long canoe."


Given the number of global, particularly African, influences in fashion this season, it's not surprising that fashion editors would choose to set photo shoots in Africa. But the resulting photographs raise issues that were easily forgotten in the sanitized, rock-music-fueled environs of an Oscar de la Renta show. Where are these prints from, how did Western designers end up appropriating them, and what does it all mean? Are Americans any better than the Europeans who became infatuated with Orientalism at the turn of the last century, or have we merely adapted the same attitudes to a different continent, 100 years later?

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Anorexics Make Great Party Planners

Possibly one of my favorite Page Six items ever appeared today, a report on the Style.com book party for Candy Pratts Price. It reminded me of a sticker I saw in a cab last night, right. (The cab driver totally freaked out when I took a picture inside his cab. I might distribute it, thus enabling other people to see the inside of his cab!) In Page Six, we learn that at the Style.com party, guests like Zac Posen and Doo-Ri Chung were served a menu of champagne, almonds and cheese sticks. That's all. No doubt it was some anorexic underling who planned the party, not Anna herself, as the Post implies. As the spy notes, "Everything was white, and there was no bar, no branding - just emaciated models eating cheese sticks."

Don't even think about actual cheese, that fatty, disgusting substance. Or passed hors d'oeuvres, which are certainly a waste of money. Besides, no one has figured out a way to pass sashimi. It's not like anyone's going to eat rice, for Christ's sake. Did you say pigs in a blanket? If I hadn't thrown up after lunch already I'd be throwing up now. The thought of these fashion icons - I mean, it's Lazaro Hernandez and Jack McCollough, people - living gods! - putting anything like that in their mouths is just sickening. There are certain people that you just don't want to imagine eating, ever. And you want to pass food in front of the models, over and over again? That's just, like, inhumane. Better to ban food from the party altogether. Then there's no chance of overeating and getting that not-so-thin feeling.

Phew. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Congratulations to the cab driver for reminding us of what we already know (except for that drinking part.) Now, to that "spy" who dared voice disappointment over the fact that there was no food at the party, I say, come forward. You will be banned forever from Conde Nast parties. And as for the Waverly Inn, even if you manage to get a reservation, don't even think about eating there.

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East Village, Summer

We interrupt this broadcast for an East Village Rant: The area south of 14th Street, north of Houston, and east of Fifth Avenue is not "the Lower East Side." It is the East Village.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Can you believe people still don't know the name of this neighborhood?Does it look like there's a McNally restaurant near here?
I certainly didn't find these fresh flowers on the Lower East Side.
If this is the Lower East Side, where are all the cabaret licenses?
We were here before the hipsters.
Bastards.

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Kate Moss and a Cheap Chic Critique

Is it any coincidence that the most famous fairytale about vanity and self-deception is also about fashion? The Emperor's New Clothes comes to mind often these days whenever a major designer or model launches a cheap chic clothing line.

Proenza Schouler opened a pop-up store earlier this year for their Target line, but you did not see it on Gastro Chic, because it sucked. I've never been a fan of Proenza Schouler, despite their heartwarming meeting-at-Parsons story and socialite connections. Take away the high-quality materials and hand stitching, and Proenza Schouler line isn't much different from the run-of-the-racks clothing you'd find at Target. By 3pm, the only things left were cropped orange jackets and weird floral things in size 14.

But this didn't stop Colette in Paris from carrying the line. Can somebody please pass the Kool Aid?





As for the Alice Roi collection for Uniqlo, when it is bad, it is very, very bad, and when it is good, it looks like anything else you'd find at Uniqlo. Here's a nightmare in floral, right, and for a floral Alice Roi house dress, check out Racked. Mystifyingly, it was sold out by the time I arrived at Uniqlo. Couture designers seem to see doing a mass market line as an opportunity to take risks they would never take at a high-end level, in a "let them eat cake" sense. There's a fine line between jolie-laide and just plain ugly, and many of them cross it.

This Alice Roi sack dress was interesting but not particularly wearable. The only things worth buying from Alice Roi's collection for Uniqlo were the more conservative designs, like this safari-style top, below. And for that, why do you need Alice Roi?



Everything I needed to know about Madonna's ill-conceived collection for H&M I learned by peering in the windows at H&M and seeing rows and rows of basic hoodies and sweatpants. They should have called it "Madonna Gym."


Last week's Kate Moss at Topshop at Barneys hullabaloo was best approached with cynicism. If it is possible for a blog to stalk someone, Fashionista did before this opening, posting a video, Kate Moss Speaks! In case you were wondering whether she has anything remotely of interest to say, no, she doesn't. Nevertheless, Kate fans were in awe of the video, sent multiple comments, and drove traffic to the site. Barneys, Fashionista, and Racked all posted countdowns to Kate. Apparently, she is Santa Claus. Maybe even Jesus.

Is it any surprise that the line is a letdown after that? This may come as a major shock given her involvement with Pete Doherty, but Kate Moss is dumb as bricks. But it doesn't matter. They're like the stylish couple Woody Allen approaches in Annie Hall and asks for the secret to their happiness.

"Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say," she says.

"And I'm exactly the same way," he says.

Forget about love. The fashion take-away from Annie Hall is, they're still stylish! For better or for worse, you can have nothing interesting to say and still have style.

But not chic. Only an original like Isabella Blow can be truly chic.



I wasn't one of the hundreds waiting in line at Barneys, but I did go up to the seventh floor around 1pm Wednesday to find...tank tops! Oh my God, tank tops! With buttons on them! They reminded me of... dare I say it? Another K word. It begins with a K and ends with a Mart.

There was no sign of the cool black windowpane dress that reminded me of...some other designer. Or the floral dress that was directly copied from Kate Moss' wardrobe. I grabbed a ruched gray thing before anyone else could, but it wasn't in my size. A salesguy appeared immediately and offered to pull it in my size from the display window.

I nearly fainted. Not only had a Barneys salesperson rushed to my service, but he had volunteered to mess up the pristine, Simon-Doonan-designed Barneys windows for me. Thrilled, I accepted. There was no way I wasn't going to buy the Kate Moss thingie now. I was beginning to like this fairytale.

It wasn't really the first time. I became obsessed with the Rodarte for Gap white trapeze top with pintuck pleats when I saw it on a friend who works for Marc Jacobs. It's on its way to me now, being shipped from Gap in the mall at Lakewood, CA. No big deal. I just put in an hour of phone research on 1-800-GAP-STYLE and called five stores all over the nation when it sold out in New York.

So here are my spoils from Kate Moss for TopShop, below. I'm not sure if it's a top or a dress, but it's actually kinda cool. The detailing seems to be hand stitched. And there are none left anywhere in the world.



It may be mass delusion, but the quest for A-list style at D-list prices has unified fashion fanatics everywhere. The long lines, the months of anticipation, the inequality of demand versus supply: it's the same kind of mania you see surrounding a Rolling Stones concert or a really big sample sale. In the end, who really cares whether it's worth it or not? It's all about the feeling of group participation in an otherwise merciless, every-woman-for-herself fashion world.

As for the Kate Moss for Topshop dress, I may be wearing the emperor's new clothes, but that doesn't take away the thrill of winning the hunt. As someone who beat out Kate fans across the country and in the U.K., all I can say is, How you like me now, sucka?

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